Should I Be Mother and Nanny Or Should I Be Friend and Lover?
When women talk, I sometimes hear two things that are as amusing as they are depressing. I hear women designate their husbands as their ‘first born’ child. I also hear women say plenty of things that suggest the man in their lives is completely inept without them. The first thought, where the man is the supposed ‘first born’ is amusing where it is said as a fond description to show that he needs care and nurture. It quickly degenerates into some kind of slavery when it comes just before, alongside, or immediately after the second idea.
Although the woman is naturally built to nurture, over-nurture of the man to the extent of creating a dependant is seriously mis-placed. Besides this being some type of convoluted means of being controlling, it also drains the woman’s spirit in the long run. To try and be a ‘mother’ to a full grown man with all the perks a child would enjoy is self destructive. A woman is not to be a mother and nanny to her husband or partner. She is to be a friend and lover, and the two are as different as night and day.
When Nurture Becomes Mis-Placed Over-Nurture
With the two ideas, a man is like a child to be nurtured and is incapable of taking care of himself, many women easily move from being lover and friend to over-nurture. How can you identify when your love for your partner is degenerating into over-nurture?
One: when you start to do too much in the relationship, you are standing right in the middle of over-nurture. If you are the one that pays the bills, you drop, pick, prepare the children, pay school fees, manage the household and kitchen budgets, make the money that maintains the household, and then add your time to maintaining that household, you are deep in over-nurture.
Two: when you are constantly on the giving end of the action, you are in over-nurture. When you make his life comfortable, cannot sleep until he gets home (regardless of where he was for the fourth night this week), wake up early, sleep late to make his life sing, even at the expense of your own health and relaxation, you are deep in over-nurture.
Three: when you do all the thinking for both of you. When you are the mind in the home, the one that charts out the present and the future, the one that knows where those resources will come from, the one that spends sleepless nights planning your tomorrow and that of your children. When you are the CEO, supervisor, line officers, support staff, mother and wife in the home, you are in over-nurture.
Establishing Your Position Correctly
Giving too much in a relationship in order to keep it alive is to give too much of your power away. A woman is built to receive, incubate, and help develop a vision for her home and family. You are to receive nurture so that you can be effective in your role as mother and spiritual guide to your family. Giving is what men are supposed to do; receiving is what women are supposed to do. And the reverse is also true.
So what is the demarcation? Women give the seemingly softer gifts of love; appreciation, affection, respect, and loyalty. Men give the seemingly courser gifts; provision, finances, plans, strategy. Together you build a stable whole. Do not cross into your partner’s side of things and do not let him drop his end of things. Strive to get more by giving less. Give less of what he should give to get more of what he should be giving to you. This is one way to a wonderful relationship.
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